I swear I don't mean to be the kind of woman that clams up and shuts down whenever things get rough, but it's just that sometimes it seems like there's no other way. It's not even about what he did or didn't do this time around. It's just that I appear to have this insane notion that when I've talked to someone about something once or twice or several times about an issue for the past few months, at some point I feel that I should be heard. I mean, I'm not totally silent, but one and two word answers are all I can muster right now.
To his credit, he did eventually agree that I wasn't being unreasonable and apologize. But the apology came after a couple of months and after a bunch of knock-down, drag-out arguments. I told him that I didn't accept it because he's had more than enough time to hear me out, but he chose to ignore me, so I didn't want his "too little, too late" apology. He knows how to appeal to my inner fat girl- by offering to take me out to eat, which is how he gets my guard down and we talk after most arguments that end in my silence for a few days. But somehow this time, I'm just not feeling it. As I've said before, we've talked about marriage, and I just keep thinking to myself that I don't want to marry someone that will ignore my wants and needs until I'm to the point that I'm ready to pack my shit and leave before he hears me out. So I've been quiet.
It's just that at some point you simply start to feel that if your words are falling on def ears anyway, why continue to state your claim? I know that he thinks that my avoiding him is juvenile and petty. It's not a call for attention. It's simply an unintentional sign that I don't want to waste my breath anymore.
I'm not exactly a bad looking chick, and I know for a fact that I can meet a man and get married. I realized that since I've been dating, I've never really been single. That's right, since 15, when I started dating Armond, I've always had someone around me. Some women worry about growing old and alone, but truthfully, I've NEVER had that fear. And it's not like I fear being alone, it's just that men, for some strange reason, are always attracted to me, so I tend to date a lot when I'm single. I'm weird and kinda chubby, but I always manage to be surrounded by awesome men. Even Portia has observed while hanging with my guy friends how good looking most of them are. It's honestly nothing for me to date a 9 or a 10. Hell, I think Pookie is a 9, and Fred is damned sure a 10. So no, loneliness is not a fear of mine.
I guess that's why I'm not worried about possibly leaving. I don't want to leave. I really don't. But I don't want to be silent or be ignored if we decide to get married. I want to laugh and talk to him. I want us to go to the park and enjoy the beautiful weather of the early spring. I want to be heard. But instead I feel like I've been forced into a corner because my wants and needs are being ignored. It hurts that I feel so separated from him emotionally, but I don't want to fall into his arms. I want for him to know that I'm not an endless emotional rope. The fact is that I've allowed him many years to do whatever the hell he's wanted. It's true, I've let him do A LOT. It's because I'm a giver and I'm understanding. But the fact is that sometimes I think that I've given him so much that he doesn't understand when it's time for him to reel it in and notice what a bad ass chick he has standing by his side.
So I'm being silent. I don't know for how long. But I do know that things can't and won't continue on this way.
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