Malika- Still Sexy, But No Longer the Cynic

Recently a friend of mine pointed out that I'm not nearly as cynical as I used to be. I thought a while about it and I guess she was right. I thought about my life and I had to admit that despite a few problems here and there, things are pretty okay. Even the small gripes I have aren't too horrible.

Being that I've become a bit cerebral I've decided to figure out what led to the change. I mean overall, shit's pretty good. At the same time, I thought about where I was in my life when I'd started hanging with this friend compared to where I am now. The only major change was that when I'd met her, I was still mourning my previous relationship. I was still calling him on occasion. I was still angry and confused about how callously he'd dumped me after nearly a decade of being a huge part of one another's lives. I was angry about how he allowed his tramp to call and stalk me to the point of having to get a restraining order.

I guess the major difference is that I've moved on to a better place. Thinking back, he was always cynical to a point of being downright condescending and mean at times. He never drove, but I saw him talk shit about other people's cars. Despite him not getting a good job until he was well into his twenties, he still felt that he was somehow above people that held average jobs. I guess that my years with him rubbed off on me.

I even realized that in my childhood, I was the eternal optimist to the point of pissing my mother off. I saw the world through rose-colored glasses and things were beautiful. I believed that the world was a happy place and that people were good at heart. I guess that somehow my time with my ex caused me to become a tad negative. Now that he's been out of my life for four and a half years, I've returned to the happy and warm woman that I was at my core.

At the same time, I can't help but to recall that Pookie has to be a large part of my current happiness. Don't get me wrong, sure we argue, but nothing like we used to. While he and I seemed like strangers for a long time, we act more like partners now. I told him that I was even considering referring to him as my husband at times (he nearly choked when I'd said it, so I agreed to abandon the idea). But he and I agreed that we may visit the idea of getting engaged in another year. I guess that my cynicism was abandoned when I learned that there are men out there that will stand by me and not judge me or degrade me. I learned that there are good Black men that will stand by their children. I learned that I deserve to be loved and supported.

I learned that the previous love of my life stole a very sweet, loving, and positive girl and turned her into a critical, condescending and cynical mess. And I learned that all it took was a little bit of love and patience to get her back.