Changes

Sometimes during an argument you hear the one thing that tells you how the other person feels about you. And I heard it. A part of me had already shut down in the last few months, but hearing him say it was the final dagger in the heart. I was taken aback. I was so shocked he'd said it, I literally didn't even try to fight or argue. I simply shut down and accepted it. That was it.

So now I'm silent again. The only time we sleep in the same bed is when I'm too damned tired to go downstairs when he lays down next to me. But if I see him laying down in our bedroom, I lay out on the couch. If he's in the living room, I make a beeline to the bedroom. So that is how he feels about me? Oh word? After 4 and a half years? Fuck it. I already wasted a decade of my life in one deadbeat situation. I'd be a goddamn fool to try to waste another decade the same way. Time to make some decisions and get some things in order.

The Silent Treatment

I swear I don't mean to be the kind of woman that clams up and shuts down whenever things get rough, but it's just that sometimes it seems like there's no other way. It's not even about what he did or didn't do this time around. It's just that I appear to have this insane notion that when I've talked to someone about something once or twice or several times about an issue for the past few months, at some point I feel that I should be heard. I mean, I'm not totally silent, but one and two word answers are all I can muster right now.

To his credit, he did eventually agree that I wasn't being unreasonable and apologize. But the apology came after a couple of months and after a bunch of knock-down, drag-out arguments. I told him that I didn't accept it because he's had more than enough time to hear me out, but he chose to ignore me, so I didn't want his "too little, too late" apology. He knows how to appeal to my inner fat girl- by offering to take me out to eat, which is how he gets my guard down and we talk after most arguments that end in my silence for a few days. But somehow this time, I'm just not feeling it. As I've said before, we've talked about marriage, and I just keep thinking to myself that I don't want to marry someone that will ignore my wants and needs until I'm to the point that I'm ready to pack my shit and leave before he hears me out. So I've been quiet.

It's just that at some point you simply start to feel that if your words are falling on def ears anyway, why continue to state your claim? I know that he thinks that my avoiding him is juvenile and petty. It's not a call for attention. It's simply an unintentional sign that I don't want to waste my breath anymore.

I'm not exactly a bad looking chick, and I know for a fact that I can meet a man and get married. I realized that since I've been dating, I've never really been single. That's right, since 15, when I started dating Armond, I've always had someone around me. Some women worry about growing old and alone, but truthfully, I've NEVER had that fear. And it's not like I fear being alone, it's just that men, for some strange reason, are always attracted to me, so I tend to date a lot when I'm single. I'm weird and kinda chubby, but I always manage to be surrounded by awesome men. Even Portia has observed while hanging with my guy friends how good looking most of them are. It's honestly nothing for me to date a 9 or a 10. Hell, I think Pookie is a 9, and Fred is damned sure a 10. So no, loneliness is not a fear of mine.

I guess that's why I'm not worried about possibly leaving. I don't want to leave. I really don't. But I don't want to be silent or be ignored if we decide to get married. I want to laugh and talk to him. I want us to go to the park and enjoy the beautiful weather of the early spring. I want to be heard. But instead I feel like I've been forced into a corner because my wants and needs are being ignored. It hurts that I feel so separated from him emotionally, but I don't want to fall into his arms. I want for him to know that I'm not an endless emotional rope. The fact is that I've allowed him many years to do whatever the hell he's wanted. It's true, I've let him do A LOT. It's because I'm a giver and I'm understanding. But the fact is that sometimes I think that I've given him so much that he doesn't understand when it's time for him to reel it in and notice what a bad ass chick he has standing by his side.

So I'm being silent. I don't know for how long. But I do know that things can't and won't continue on this way.

My Second Job

Yep, I've done it. I went back to retail. It's not too bad, I work with animals. I'm not giving too many details of it's specific name or location for fear that the object of my much needed restraining order show her legally -obligated-to-stay-the-hell-away-from-me ass up. It's not too bad though. I get paid once a week, which is a hell of a lot easier than getting paid once a month. It's got me wanting to buy a guinea pig for my son.

I can't describe this awesome feeling of knowing that I'm pulling my life even further into the direction that I've always known I should be in. Pookie and I are talking about buying a house, but even if he and I don't do it together, I'm still planning to buy one on my own. My son needs more space and despite having a banging apartment in Midtown Atlanta, I want a big backyard. I need to feel some grass under my feet. Now I have to go forward and get started on my application for grad school. I also need to get my readership up on here. No offense to my homie Stef, but this single reader shit isn't gonna cut it.

Malika

Malika- Still Sexy, But No Longer the Cynic

Recently a friend of mine pointed out that I'm not nearly as cynical as I used to be. I thought a while about it and I guess she was right. I thought about my life and I had to admit that despite a few problems here and there, things are pretty okay. Even the small gripes I have aren't too horrible.

Being that I've become a bit cerebral I've decided to figure out what led to the change. I mean overall, shit's pretty good. At the same time, I thought about where I was in my life when I'd started hanging with this friend compared to where I am now. The only major change was that when I'd met her, I was still mourning my previous relationship. I was still calling him on occasion. I was still angry and confused about how callously he'd dumped me after nearly a decade of being a huge part of one another's lives. I was angry about how he allowed his tramp to call and stalk me to the point of having to get a restraining order.

I guess the major difference is that I've moved on to a better place. Thinking back, he was always cynical to a point of being downright condescending and mean at times. He never drove, but I saw him talk shit about other people's cars. Despite him not getting a good job until he was well into his twenties, he still felt that he was somehow above people that held average jobs. I guess that my years with him rubbed off on me.

I even realized that in my childhood, I was the eternal optimist to the point of pissing my mother off. I saw the world through rose-colored glasses and things were beautiful. I believed that the world was a happy place and that people were good at heart. I guess that somehow my time with my ex caused me to become a tad negative. Now that he's been out of my life for four and a half years, I've returned to the happy and warm woman that I was at my core.

At the same time, I can't help but to recall that Pookie has to be a large part of my current happiness. Don't get me wrong, sure we argue, but nothing like we used to. While he and I seemed like strangers for a long time, we act more like partners now. I told him that I was even considering referring to him as my husband at times (he nearly choked when I'd said it, so I agreed to abandon the idea). But he and I agreed that we may visit the idea of getting engaged in another year. I guess that my cynicism was abandoned when I learned that there are men out there that will stand by me and not judge me or degrade me. I learned that there are good Black men that will stand by their children. I learned that I deserve to be loved and supported.

I learned that the previous love of my life stole a very sweet, loving, and positive girl and turned her into a critical, condescending and cynical mess. And I learned that all it took was a little bit of love and patience to get her back.

Time to Grind

So I just picked up a second job and I get my info to start next week. It's a lil part time gig, but getting paid once a month at my primary job takes way more discipline than I have. Not only that, making more money sure can't hurt since Pookie and I are talking about buying a house in the near distant future. There was a time when a bill got mailed to me and I balled that sucker up. Now I put it off to the side on my bulletin board and plan to pay it off asap. I have to admit, I hate being broke, but being broke temporarily is worth the prospect of having good credit later.

Earlier today I had a conversation with a homeboy of mine. He and I are supposed to be working on a book in the future. I'm also still on my grind to enter graduate school at Clark Atlanta University. I'm excited to be going to an HBCU for the first time in my life. The plan is to get in and get OUT. It took a decade for me to finish my undergrad degree, but that was because there were times that I went part-time or all out took semesters off. I also went to 3 different schools before finally graduated. This time around there is way more motivation to hurry and finish. Pookie and I have even said that perhaps once I'm a year in, we'll talk about expanding our family.

Since I love the thought of working in the field of social work, the plan is to get my masters degree. I want to one day open a practice or something like that. But my real goal is to put out something dope and have some residual checks coming in. I want to wake up and find money in my account that I didn't even know was coming. I want to write books. That's the first step. My homie is someone that I've known for years and we have a slight sexual tension and flirty relationship that makes our talks about sex and the like quite thrilling. So we want to work on a few books about relationships. I'm nearly done with one book about relationships, so this would be my second one. I know that with my twisted sense of humor and ability to write my ass off, this would be a no brainer for me.

I'd also like to one day do motivational speaking lectures. I'd LOVE to be flown around the country for $5k to $10k a pop. Enter the degree in social work. Yep, I got a plan. Time to work. Time to grind.

Starting Over

I had my last blog for nearly 3 years and after a bunch of bullshit, I decided to end it, and start back over, so here I am. I'd built up 59 followers previously so hopefully I'll work back up my numbers. Namely, here I wanted to avoid some bitch I had to get a restraining order against, and other motherfuckers that just don't know how to act right. But the fact is, I've been a writer since I was a kid and writing is one of the few ways in which I'm great at expressing myself. I've got the best friends ever and I see a bunch of wild shit on a regular and writing helps me to process it all. For now I'm trying to get some paperwork done for my job, which is working with children. I love them to death, but shit gets wild at times. Okay, I'm off. I'll be up for the next few hours, working on notes. My name is Malika. I'm a writer. I'm a mother. I'm a friend. I'm a sister. I'm the BADDEST.


Malika